Day 1: sleep deprivation and procrastination

The day started a little earlier than I would’ve liked.  My husband got up early and was in the shower when his alarm went off at 5:58 a.m.  Ugh.  I put my pillow over my head and pretended not to hear it (because I was too comfortable to move over to the other side of the bed to turn it off) for six minutes.  Then the dog woke up and decided she needed to go out.  I kept my pillow over my head and ignored her for six minutes.  🙂  Then I got up and started my day.

Now, by “started my day”, I mean I sat up in bed and played on the internet for a couple of hours.  Then I went downstairs, made some oatmeal, and played on the internet for another couple of hours.

Um, hello?  I had work to do!  (I work at home 2-3 days a week.)  Even if I didn’t have any work to do, there’s plenty of work to do in my house.  Believe me.  I don’t know why I wake up with great plans to be ultra productive only to find myself still in my pyjamas at 4 p.m.

I did manage to clean the downstairs carpets and take care of some real work-related tasks, but I have to be more productive tomorrow.  My current plan is to get up, get ready, have breakfast, and get the worky tasks out of the way so I can enjoy the rest of the day.  Best laid plans, right?

Today was a good day, food wise.  I ate correct portion sizes and everything!  Everything below is homemade unless I indicate otherwise.

Breakfast:  banana oatmeal

Lunch:  chicken and vegetable soup with a sprinking of parmesan, half a toasted wholemeal roll from Morrisons with a slice of Monterey Jack melted on top

Snack:  10 raw mixed nuts, an apple

Dinner:  Skinnytaste’s Salisbury steak with mushroom gravy (which was really nice, though I’ll add more spices next time), mashed potatoes, petit pois

Dessert:  a slice of homemade apple ginger cake with low-fat Greek yogurt and strawberries

Just had a brain wave — I think I’ll start typing my recipes here as well, because it’ll keep everything together and will stop me doing the “WHERE’S THAT DAMN RECIPE?  I KNOW I WROTE IT ON THE BACK OF THE LAST PHONE BILL!” thing I do every time I get ready to cook something!  😉

RECIPE: Vegetable (and chicken) Soup

I am NOT a vegetable person, but this soup is an exception. It’s so hearty and filling and it tastes incredible. To bump up the protein, I usually add chicken, but you can leave it out if you’re a vegetarian.

This is based on the NHS Change 4 Life Hearty Vegetable Soup. I think that’s a great recipe, but I wanted to bump up the veggie content, so added mushrooms, courgette, and pepper, and I also wanted to get some more protein in the bowl, hence the addition of the chicken and cheese.

Serves 4 as a main meal or 8 as a side dish

1 tsp olive oil
2 carrots, peeled and chopped
1 onion, diced
1 leek, trimmed, washed, and sliced
4 closed-cup mushrooms, sliced
1 courgette (zucchini), diced
1 red pepper, seeded and diced
2 celery sticks, chopped
1 can chopped tomatoes
4 cups vegetable (or chicken) stock
1 tbsp tomato paste
1 small handful of frozen green beans
1 small handful of frozen peas
1 small handful of small pasta shapes OR brown rice
1 tsp Italian seasoning
2 cooked chicken breasts, cut into cubes (optional)
4 tbsp grated parmesan cheese (optional)

In a large soup pan, heat the oil. Sautee’ the carrots, onion, leek, mushrooms, pepper, courgette, and celery for about five minutes, or until the veggies start to go slightly translucent.

Add the tomatoes, vegetable (or chicken) stock, tomato paste, green beans, and peas.

Bring to the boil and add the pasta (or rice) and Italian seasoning. Simmer for 10-15 minutes or until the pasta (or rice) is just cooked through. Add in the chicken and warm through for a minute or two.

Ladle into bowls and sprinkle with grated parmesan, if desired.

RECIPE: Basic Banana Oatmeal

This is my old standby breakfast recipe.  I really love oatmeal, so I always look forward to breakfast when I know it’s on the menu!  You can eat this as-is, or add some frozen berries, dried fruit, nuts, etc.

1/3 cup rolled oats

1/3 cup water

1/3 cup skimmed milk

1 tbsp flax seeds

1 medium banana, sliced

1 tsp cinnamon

1 tsp vanilla

Combine all ingredients in a small pot and cook over medium heat until the mixture just starts to bubble.  Reduce heat and cook for about five minutes, stirring frequently.

Yesterday.

Yesterday, I binged.

No breakfast, which is always a bad idea for me.

Lunch was a McDonald’s spicy vegetable sandwich, large fries, and a Sprite Zero.

Dinner was a homemade turkey burger on a wholemeal roll with ketchup and mustard.

Not so bad, right?

Wrong.

Somewhere between lunch and dinner, I binged.

I stopped at Lidl and bought a cheese-topped roll, a cinnamon swirl, and a box of six lemon tarts. I ate them all in my car on the drive home and hid all the evidence.

The problem with hiding the evidence is that the evidence is never hidden. The evidence of every “secret” bag of potato chips, every whole large pepperoni pizza, every bag of gummy bears I’ve ever shoved down my throat while home alone or driving is on display every single day. I’m 5′ 5″ and weigh 287 pounds, so I’m *pretty* sure people might be able to guess that I have a problem with overeating. I might as well walk around with empty food containers taped all over my body. My secret isn’t much of a secret, is it?

My problem with food is limiting my life. I’m worried about my health. My heart literally feels heavy. My back aches all the time. My most recent blood pressure check was high for the first time ever. My digestive system is shot — I think I’ve given myself gastritis from eating junk for the past 33 years. I’m worried about diabetes — had my blood checked in November and everything was normal, but how long will that last if I continue to overeat and fail to exercise?

Aside from the health issues, there’s everything else. I want children, but have none. There’s NO WAY I could carry a baby to full term in my current condition, let alone chase after a toddler a couple of years down the road. I’ve chosen cake over children.

I have to fly with my own seatbelt extension.

My sex life isn’t what I’d like it to be.

I can’t wear the clothes I want to wear.

I can’t do the things I’d like to do. I’d love to ride a rollercoaster, but won’t fit in the seat. I’d love to go to the beach or to a pool, but it’s not a lot of fun when you’re wearing jeans and a long-sleeved shirt while everyone else is in their swimsuits.

In short, I’d like to be ME. As it is now, I feel like I’m me, but living inside someone else’s body. I’m not living the kind of life I would like to live and it’s a direct result of the choices I have made. Therefore, I have no right to complain about everything that’s wrong in my life unless I’m willing to do some work to make things right.

That’s where this blog comes in.  This is going to be my daily journal.  I’ll write about what I’m feeling, what I’m eating, and whatever else I feel like writing about at the time.  I’ll be 100% honest about what I’m eating, because I have nothing to gain by lying about it.  I’m approaching my problem with food as an addiction, and I’ll be keeping track of my days of “sobriety” (i.e., days I make it through without a binge or eating in secret).  Ultimately, I need to be accountable to myself, but knowing that someone might be reading this can’t hurt!