This morning I left the house with the following in my bag:
- a banana
- an apple
- a clementine
- a bag of raw mixed nuts
- a bowl of homemade chicken and vegetable soup
- a wholemeal roll
- a low-fat pineapple yogurt
This afternoon I returned home with all of the above still in my bag. 😦
ENTER THE BINGE.
On the way to work, I stopped at McDonald’s and ordered a pancakes and sausage breakfast with an extra hash brown and an orange juice. I pulled over in the parking lot to eat, and quickly realised that they hadn’t given me my extra hash brown. I was livid, of course, but wasn’t about to waddle my way into the store to beg for my extra helping of deep fried potato product. Ugh.
I headed on to a meeting, then proceeded to drive to Lidl. I stocked up on lots of fruits and veggies as we’re starting to run low on them at home. I also stocked up on the makings of a feast for myself. Once I returned to the car, I ate
- a cheese topped roll (my god, they are so good)
- a pan au chocolat
- half of a 200g bag of Butterkist toffee popcorn (again, my good, it’s so damn good)
- one mini strawberry trifle
I hid all of the evidence in a Lidl bag, dusted all the crumbs off my face and lap, and drove to my next meeting.
When I got back in the car, I finished off the bag of popcorn and ate two more mini strawberry trifles (there are three in a pack).
I drove home, unpacked all the lovely fruit and vegetables, and chatted with my husband. Then I told him what I ate today.
Then I ate single-serving-size bag of baked salt and vinegar potato chips.
He was disappointed in me. We’ve both been trying to avoid fast food, processed food, and overeating in general, so I felt like I let the team down. We talked about WHY I did it, but I’m not sure I really came to any lasting conclusions.
I do know that I wasn’t looking forward to the day. My afternoon meeting was with two people I don’t particularly like or respect, so I’m sure that had something to do with the choices I made. Was I trying to make myself feel better by blotting out my stress/frustration/nervousness? If so, how come I spent every second of my binges thinking about the damage I was doing to myself? Why was I telling myself how horrible I was going to feel after gorging on sugar and fat while CONTINUING to shove it down my throat? What was I trying to achieve? I didn’t actually make myself feel better, and I didn’t harm anyone except myself. Every mouthful took me one step further from my goals of feeling healthy, being able to have a baby, and feeling great about myself.
I can say I honestly do understand how “traditional” addictions (i.e., alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.) must feel to those who have them. You know when you shove the heroin needle into your vein that you’re hurting yourself, but that momentary rush of ecstasy is worth more than the physical/emotional/mental/financial price you’ll pay. I have no experience with heroin addiction, so I’m making a big assumption here. It’s just that food is very much my drug.
So, back to square one, day one tomorrow.