Day 3: these Nikes are made for walking

Breakfast:  a Trek bar

AM snack:  homemade blueberry popsicle

Lunch:  chicken and vegetable soup with parmesan

PM snack: homemade strawberry popsicle

Dinner: turkey burritos (ground turkey, red pepper, orange pepper, onion, black beans, corn all cooked together with tinned tomatoes, tomato paste, cumin, chili powder, garlic powder, and a little Tabasco sauce) on wholemeal tortillas with low fat cheese and low fat sour cream and Mexican rice

Great, great day today.  Motivated myself to go for a nice long walk (3.19 miles!) with the dog.  She was exhausted at the end of it and I have blisters on both feet, but hey, it was worth it!  It was a really beautiful day and I enjoyed getting out and breathing the fresh air.  I had my new iPod chock full of cheesy tunes, and that made the time go by quickly and was strangely motivating.  I also realised that I didn’t think about food for the 80 or so minutes I was walking.  Maybe if I keep myself busy with exercise, I won’t have time to overeat!  😉

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Day 2: back on track

Much better day today.  Started off a bit grey and cloudy, but the weather improved and it’s lovely and sunny now.  Not warm, but hey, sunny will do!

I’m at a phase at work where I have multiple meetings scheduled every day, and I’m finding it hard to plan my meals because I’m away from the office a lot.  As a result, I found myself back at McDonald’s today, which ideal, but I really have developed a a love for their Spicy Vegetable sandwiches and wraps. They’re incredibly good and not *too* terribly bad from a nutritional standpoint.  They’re also very filling, which is something I need to remember next time, because I DON’T need to have fries, too!  (Either from a nutritional or fullness standpoint!)

Breakfast:  banana and a small handful of raw mixed nuts

Lunch:  McDonald’s spicy vegetable wrap, medium fries, Sprite Zero

Snack:  (please note these weren’t all at the same time!) a Trek bar, a homemade strawberry popsicle (low fat yogurt, strawberries,and Splenda all whizzed in the blender and frozen — really good!) and a cheese stick

Dinner:  homemade bolognese sauce (with lots of veggies) over farfalle with some parmesan and low-fat cheese (man, do I love cheese or what?)

Dessert: another homemade strawberry popsicle

I stopped at the supermarket after work and bought the ingredients to make more popsicles and a second popsicle mold.  They’re a really lovely treat and will satisfy my sweet tooth when I get cravings.  Plus, at fewer than 50 calories each, how bad can they be?!  I’ll be using agave nectar in my future recipes — just used Splenda because it was what I  had on hand yesterday.

Day 1: a fresh start

Feeling a little more in control of myself today.  I feel sort of dulled, sleepy, and hungover, though, no doubt due to the amount of trash I ingested yesterday.  I was tempted to gorge on junk again today, though.  The fleeting “QUICK!  EAT SOME JUNK WHILE NOBODY’S LOOKING” thought trailed through my head several times.  Overeating is such a habit that I don’t even think about it and I’m not sure there’s any trigger for it.  Like, you know how they always say you should think about how you’re feeling whenever you feel like binging?  Well, I could be angry, stressed, nervous, happy, jealous, confused, content, unsatisfied, excited, or bored.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it.  I don’t even limit binges to times when I’m alone (I can binge in front of my husband or family if they’re overindulging at the same time or not paying too much attention to what I’m eating).

Breakfast = a banana and a small handful of raw walnuts/almonds/cashews/hazelnuts

Lunch = Morrison’s three bean salad (really good!), a wholemeal roll with a slice of low-fat cheese, and a light cherry yogurt

Dinner = chicken and vegetable soup with grated parmesan cheese

Dessert = wasn’t really planning dessert, but I got really hungry around 8:30 p.m. and made a bowl of banana oatmeal  🙂

Altogether, it was a much better day.  I’m optimistic about tomorrow.  🙂

Day 5: self harm

This morning I left the house with the following in my bag:

  • a banana
  • an apple
  • a clementine
  • a bag of raw mixed nuts
  • a bowl of homemade chicken and vegetable soup
  • a wholemeal roll
  • a low-fat pineapple yogurt

This afternoon I returned home with all of the above still in my bag.  😦

ENTER THE BINGE.

On the way to work, I stopped at McDonald’s and ordered a pancakes and sausage breakfast with an extra hash brown and an orange juice.  I pulled over in the parking lot to eat, and quickly realised that they hadn’t given me my extra hash brown.  I was livid, of course, but wasn’t about to waddle my way into the store to beg for my extra helping of deep fried potato product.  Ugh.

I headed on to a meeting, then proceeded to drive to Lidl.  I stocked up on lots of fruits and veggies as we’re starting to run low on them at home.  I also stocked up on the makings of a feast for myself.  Once I returned to the car, I ate

  • a cheese topped roll (my god, they are so good)
  • a pan au chocolat
  • half of a 200g bag of Butterkist toffee popcorn (again, my good, it’s so damn good)
  • one mini strawberry trifle

I hid all of the evidence in a Lidl bag, dusted all the crumbs off my face and lap, and drove to my next meeting.

When I got back in the car, I finished off the bag of popcorn and ate two more mini strawberry trifles (there are three in a pack).

I drove home, unpacked all the lovely fruit and vegetables, and chatted with my husband.  Then I told him what I ate today.

Then I ate  single-serving-size bag of baked salt and vinegar potato chips.

***crickets***

He was disappointed in me.  We’ve both been trying to avoid fast food, processed food, and overeating in general, so I felt like I let the team down.  We talked about WHY I did it, but I’m not sure I really came to any lasting conclusions.

I do know that I wasn’t looking forward to the day.  My afternoon meeting was with two people I don’t particularly like or respect, so I’m sure that had something to do with the choices I made.  Was I trying to make myself feel better by blotting out my stress/frustration/nervousness?  If so, how come I spent every second of my binges thinking about the damage I was doing to myself?  Why was I telling myself how horrible I was going to feel after gorging on sugar and fat while CONTINUING to shove it down my throat?  What was I trying to achieve?  I didn’t actually make myself feel better, and I didn’t harm anyone except myself.  Every mouthful took me one step further from my goals of feeling healthy, being able to have a baby, and feeling great about myself.

I can say I honestly do understand how “traditional” addictions (i.e., alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc.) must feel to those who have them.  You know when you shove the heroin needle into your vein that you’re hurting yourself, but that momentary rush of ecstasy is worth more than the physical/emotional/mental/financial price you’ll pay.  I have no experience with heroin addiction, so I’m making a big assumption here.  It’s just that food is very much my drug.

So, back to square one, day one tomorrow.

Day 4: wobbles

Clearly the lack of structure on the weekends might be a problem.  I haven’t gone out of control, but I haven’t really been eating set meals so much as nibbling my way through the day.

We had a really nice afternoon — lunch at our friends’ house with their gorgeous baby girl of nearly 9 months.  She’s truly the most happy, content, and gorgeous little soul I’ve ever seen.  🙂

Breakfast:  an apple, wholemeal toast with melted Monterey Jack

Lunch:  roasted chicken breast, a few roasted potatoes, carrots, peas, green beans, cabbage, Yorkshire puddings, gravy

Dessert:  low GI apple cake with custard and strawberries (after lunch), leftover apple ginger cake from Thursday with low fat yogurt, bananas, strawberries, and molasses (much later after lunch

Dinner:  leftover Mexican rice with black beans, low fat cheese, low fat sour cream, and spring onions plus a wholemeal roll toasted with parmesan and low-fat cheese on top

 

 

Day 3: lighter and brighter

Lovely, lovely, happy beautiful day today.  Started with a nice walk in the park with the dog and had a nice conversation about everything and nothing with a man walking his Irish setter.  Honestly, I’ve never seen a dog with a shinier coat — the thing should be doing Pantene commercials!

Then off to the cinema with the husband.  Bel Ami.  It was alright from a “oooh, look at that dress!” standpoint, but it felt a bit rushed at the end.  Robert Pattinson also looked like he was recovering from tuberculosis throughout the movie — he looked like he hadn’t slept in months and like he needed a bath.  Ick.

We went out for lunch.  I suggested a carvery because I knew I’d be able to get some vegetables and wouldn’t go overboard with fried food.  A roast dinner somehow feels as better than fast food, right?  Right?  🙂

It was a lovely sunny day, so we took a little drive and ended up taking a nice walk by the sea and even dropped in to an amusements.  We collected a grand total of 266 tickets and “won” a stuffed Bagpuss, a Bart Simpson keychain, and a Slinky.  Please, try to control your jealousy.

Another binge-free day!  I’m finding the accountability of knowing I have to publish everything I eat sort of helpful.  My inclination is to always lie about what I’m eating (and I very nearly lied and said I’d had one scoop of frozen yogurt last night instead of two!), so being honest is really rather freeing.

Breakfast:  a banana

Lunch:  roast beef, stuffing, garden peas, carrots, roasted potatoes, mashed potatoes (I KNOW.  TWO KINDS OF POTATOES, SO SHOOT ME.), a Yorkshire pudding

Dinner: Took leftover Mexican rice from yesterday and mixed in some black beans and topped it with low fat cheese, low fat sour cream, and green onions.

Dessert:  soft-serve vanilla ice cream, lemon sauce, half a Flake (after the carvery meal at lunchtime), apple and pear cake from the other night with low fat Greek yogurt, strawberries, and honey

I realise two desserts in one day is kinda, um, a lot, but this was my indulgence day and I didn’t binge or eat in secret, so I consider that a win!

Plus, I’m down two pounds since I started writing this blog!  🙂

Day 2: productivity and relaxation

Nice early start again this morning as we had a wrong number call from a woman somewhere in China (we’re guessing) at 6 a.m.  Fortunately the call came while I was in a lighter sleep stage, so I was able to just stay awake after the call.  I watched a little tv and then got to work.  Did a few loads of laundry, put the new electric blanket on the bed, and finally put away my laundry (which has been sitting on the window seat on the landing for, oh, two weeks now).  Am I the only person in the world who just can’t seem to put clean laundry away?  My husband puts his clothes away as soon as they’re folded,whereas I spend every morning digging through a stack of clothes trying to find something to wear.

Gee, I wonder why I feel so stressed all the time?  😉

Got through one of my major work projects and feel caught up enough that I’ll be able to enjoy the weekend without worrying about not being ready for Monday to begin.

Another binge-free day!  I find that planning my meals ahead of time really, really helps.  If I find myself hungry with nothing planned, I’ll just eat whatever’s easiest, and that usually means fast food or a big bag of highly processed junk from the supermarket.

I’ll tell you a secret.  Since I work from home regularly, I usually find myself home alone on a Friday.  That gives me the perfect opportunity to binge in secret, which means I always look forward to and dread Fridays at the same time.  I haven’t done this in a while, but when i go full-scale Friday binge, my chosen weapon is pizza.  You can order online from Pizza Hut, which means I don’t even have to speak to anyone in order to get food!  WIN!  I’d check to see what the offers are and usually go with whatever gives me the most food for the lowest price.  Usually, that means a large supreme pan pizza, a side cheese and bacon potato skins, and a slice of cake.  I’d arrange for it to be delivered around 1 p.m. so that I’d have time to get dressed and look halfway decent when answering the door (because I usually look pretty rough on work-at-home days!), and then I’d plop myself down on the sofa and plow my way through the food, eating every single bit.  Can you imagine how much saturated fat and sodium I was consuming???  Ugh.  Then I’d go out to the garage and hide the pizza box and wrappers at the bottom of the wheelie bin.

Once, I didn’t have time to get out to the garage, so I just shoved the pizza box behind a shrub in the back garden.  Every time I let the dog out afterward, she’d run straight to that shrub and start sniffing.  Bitch was trying to tell on me!  🙂  Anyway, after a couple of days I went out to retrieve the box to put it in the wheelie bin, but the box was gone.  Nooooooooooooooooo.  My husband found it and threw it away, but didn’t say anything to me for months.

So, he finally knew my secret.  (Not that he didn’t already have an inkling — we’d been married for 7 years by then — but I don’t think he’d realised the extent of my secretiveness about food.)

Hmmm.  Not sure why I felt the need to share all of that.  I guess it’s because it’s Friday and I have NO PLANS to contact Pizza Hut today.

Anyway, here’s what I ate today:

Breakfast:  slice of Monterey Jack on wholemeal toast, an apple

Lunch: leftover Salisbury steak from yesterday, half a bowl of leftover chicken and vegetable soup (I’m totally getting value from those leftovers, baby!)

Dinner:  peppers stuffed with turkey chili based on this recipe from Fat Free Vegan, Mexican rice, corn

Dessert:  two scoops of Ben & Jerry’s low fat frozen yogurt (at the cinema)